Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
