Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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