my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
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