he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
When did angry sex become our thing?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
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