i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize
