He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
