he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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