Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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