Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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