you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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