I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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