ya dads aren't the best wingmen
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Randomize
