Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
