Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
