If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
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