Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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