i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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