currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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