Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
