i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
