dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
