So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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