dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Can you bring me the toilet please
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
