I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Randomize
