Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize
