We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again