remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
