she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize