this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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