Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
