So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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