dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
