i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
