I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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