I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
