I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
