man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
