no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
it was like eating out sand paper
19 Confessions From A Dude With A Micropenis
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.