You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Please. i have SOME standards
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great