I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
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