i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Randomize
