Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
