The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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