It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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