You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
