i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
