alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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