the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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