____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
