Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
