You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
