Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
