yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
