I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
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I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
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BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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