she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
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