shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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