I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
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