Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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