while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
